


The Marrow

by amorremanet



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: 1 Sentence Fiction, Boarding School, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Community: 1sentence, Consensual Underage Sex, Drabble Collection, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Jealous Charlie, Jealousy, Literary References & Allusions, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Old Fic With Revisions, POV Alternating, Period-Typical Homophobia, Poetry, Revised Version, Run-On Sentences, Suicidal Thoughts, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 18:10:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6162109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amorremanet/pseuds/amorremanet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>As much as they love Keating’s class, some days, it’s just another obstacle to what they really want.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Marrow

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://1sentence.livejournal.com/profile)[**1sentence**](http://1sentence.livejournal.com/) using [prompt set epsilon](http://1sentenceorder.livejournal.com/1531.html). The quote used in #3 is from Zygmunt Frankel and it's probably an anachronism.
> 
> Originally written in June 2006 —cross-posted @ [my old fics LJ](http://duanya-lesfics.livejournal.com/26294.html), [the less old fics LJ](http://bodasdesangre.livejournal.com/40568.html), [the 1sentence LJ comm](http://1sentence.livejournal.com/270714.html), and [FF.net](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3020001/1/The-Marrow) — but posted fresh to reflect the edits made to it since then.

**#01: Motion**  
Neil doesn’t protest when Charlie pulls him forward by his belt, nor does he grouse and complain when Charlie expertly slips the leather off; he doesn’t say anything as Charlie undoes the buttons on his shirt, but he throws himself headlong into every kiss, falling off a cliff each time.

 **#02: Cool**  
There’s no denying that Charlie is cool — he’s comfortable with everyone, he asserts himself, he schemes and he dreams, then does it, to hell with all consequences — and it always makes Neil wonder if that’s why Charlie picked him.

 **#03: Young**  
“‘The night is young like you,’” Charlie quotes perfectly, backing Neil up against the tree, “‘but you still can’t detect / the cancer of its morning breast’” — that’s odd, how he remembers the entire thing… either something’s up or maybe he just he cares way more than usual.

 **#04: Last**  
There’s an eternity between the last kiss and this one, but, finally, Neil’s the one who starts it, pressing his lips to Charlie’s neck, and then his cheek, and, at long last, his lips.

 **#05: Wrong**  
“It’s _sick_ , Dalton,” Cameron huffs, “besides, Neil’s got better things to do and you’re a distraction; think about his needs and find yourself a fucking _girl_ already”; Charlie only smirks and doesn’t mention that Neil’s the one who initiated everything, all with his off-side little stares.

 **#06: Gentle**  
Real life isn’t gentle, and it never will be, but Charlie’s hands are soft and wealthy; if only that same rich boy easiness carried over against the sheets.

 **#07: One**  
Neil doesn’t really drink — he doesn’t need to; one look from Charlie is all the intoxication he needs.

 **#08: Thousand**  
The Latin homework is Catullus again, this time with shirking gossip to give his lover more kisses than Charlie wants to bother counting… from a thousand or more years ago, it seems like the poet’s gloating that Neil won’t let Charlie give him that many.

 **#09: King**  
Charlie never asked to be the king, but, seeing as the shoe fits him well… besides, it got Neil’s attention, and that’s easily the best thing about it.

 **#10: Learn**  
The first kiss is fumbling and inexperienced, but Neil would only change the location: regardless of the inherent Romanticism of the tragic hero and the Byronic one clinging together, he’d rather that it hadn’t been in a broom cupboard.

 **#11: Blur**  
It’s a blur when it happens and, afterwards, he can’t remember punching Cameron, but he knows he did it more for Neil than for Keating; he couldn’t remember walking to Todd’s room when he did either, but he still got there; even foggier are his thoughts about going on without seeing that smile.

 **#12: Wait**  
As much as they love Keating’s class, some days, it’s just another obstacle to what they really want.

 **#13: Change**  
If only the change were as subtle as the one it took itself out on: suddenly, Neil feels like he can do anything, everything feels like a success, and it’s all too obvious when he gets Charlie to switch places, suck him off for once; admitting that it works isn’t high on Charlie’s list of priorities.

 **#14: Command**  
“ _Charlie_ ,” Neil breathes against his mouth, “door, closed”; he has more of a laugh when Charlie actually obliges.

 **#15: Hold**  
After he sees his father and Mr. Keating, after all the important adults have had their uninformed say in the matter, Neil quietly slinks to Charlie’s room; they lock the door to keep Cameron out, though nothing happens: Charlie only keeps him in his arms and strokes his hair.

 **#16: Need**  
Neil’s concept of need and want is far too harsh; every time he wants something, he thinks it’s somehow wrong and tries to rationalize all the reasons why he shouldn’t… it makes sense, in a way, but Charlie is more visceral in his desires: everything about Neil’s a necessity, everything about being with him a need on primal levels otherwise unrecognized, and nothing anybody says can make Charlie think this truth over twice.

 **#17: Vision**  
When Charlie enters a room, it’s like a vision of a god manifested in schoolboy clothes and the guise of seventeen; despite their closeness, Neil tries to move in unnoticed, and Charlie always finds him with his deific eyes.

 **#18: Attention**  
He doesn’t like admitting it… it feels distracting, a little dirty, and more than a bit illicit… but Neil really likes it when Charlie kicks him under their desks in Latin, and he dies of joy when he gets a cocky smirk in Trig.

 **#19: Soul**  
Neil never knew it, but he was too good for this world.

 **#20: Picture**  
There’s a picture, a portrait of him that he keeps in the back his English text and takes with him, even when he gets kicked out of Hell-ton; Neil drew it offhand during study hall one day and, some days, he needs to see it to feel closeness to anything.

 **#21: Fool**  
He still doesn’t know why they told him about Neil first, or why he went and bothered telling Todd, even though Todd was his competition until Neil’s father dragged him away from Henley Hall — but most of all, he wishes that he hadn’t fallen so hard that going without didn’t seem like a life sentence and that trying to fathom the reality wouldn’t leave him with his lungs shrivelling up inside him and this blank space where his heart should be, unable to cry out of pure shock while Todd — idiot Todd, follower Todd, simpering pathetic Todd who’s terrified of living — finally gets his damn barbaric yawp.

 **#22: Mad**  
Seeing Neil with Todd is maddening, until Neil finds Charlie watching, shoos the lad away, and, mad with the bitter-tasting wantonness he doesn’t ever acknowledge, runs into Charlie’s arms and waiting lips.

 **#23: Child**  
Neil smiles like a little kid when he’s really, _truly_ happy, and, though Charlie liked the days when that smile was all for him, seeing it more often spoils him rotten.

 **#24: Now**  
Where there was once warm love spiting winter’s chill, there’s just cold stone walls now… cold stone walls, a half-emptied dormitory, and a bunch of lip-service singing supplicants, acting like they have any idea who Neil was or what he really wanted; Charlie’d feel worse about leaving if he, Neil, and Mr. Keating weren’t the only ones who had to do it, and, as he walks down to his parents’ car and the inevitable tirade against what he’s done, he knows how Neil felt with his father and welcomes the memory-touch of Neil’s hand in his.

 **#25: Shadow**  
Something behind him casts a shadow as he stares out as the lake; he thinks it’s Neil until he turns around and sees Knox, and he remembers it all when he feels the caring hand on his shoulder: Neil’s dead, the administration’s up in arms about Keating and about carpe diem, trying to pin the blame on anybody but the man who most deserves it, and nothing’s right with the world anymore, save, maybe, that Knox wooed his girl successfully — and even that feels slightly off-color.

 **#26: Goodbye**  
He goes to the memorial service at school and sings the hymns with everybody else; he wants to be at the actual funeral and would be, if Neil’s father hadn’t told Charlie’s to keep his boy away because he wasn’t welcome; and only years later, after leaving college and heading on to business school, does he put flowers on Neil’s grave: there’s rosemary for remembrance, China Pinks for aching hearts, mimosas (Neil’s favorites), red roses because tradition demands their presentation for the one you loved, and a single white carnation, for the heated grief that never cools.

 **#27: Hide**  
“I’m sorry, Neil,” Charlie whispers delicately, “your father just doesn’t understand”; Neil knows he should deal with his problems, but there’s not much to be done, and turning to Charlie’s arms and words is so much easier.

 **#28: Fortune**  
Mythology, Charlie finds, makes everything more fun: calling Neil, “Ganymede” means that he can be open about their relationship while keeping everyone but Meeks in the dark — which isn’t dangerous because Meeks is good enough to wish them well — and means they learn how creating gods in the cave extends beyond poetic recitations; it’s almost a shame, after the first time, that his invocations of _Fortuna Virgo_ no longer apply.

 **#29: Safe**  
Anymore there are only three places where Neil feels safe, like nothing can touch him: Henley Hall, Mr. Keating’s class, and, ironically, in Charlie’s arms.

 **#30: Ghost**  
He’d been drinking casually for a while, and it gets worse after Welton — far more than casual, for all he swears he doesn’t have a problem — until one day, from out of nowhere if you ask Meeks and Pitts and Knox about it, Charlie swears off booze forever; he can’t tell them why, he never can — but the night before, he could’ve sworn that he saw Neil, touched Neil, held him like they did before, felt Neil’s lips along his own… and, in his even voice, perfect in its little cracks, he whispered, “Don’t join me until you have to, Nuwanda.”

 **#31: Book**  
Neil holds Keating’s old book like the Bible, all reverence and tenderness and personal investment; Charlie tries to hold him the same way, but it almost always comes down to the systematic removal of clothing, and he can’t quite fathom anyone doing that to a book.

 **#32: Eye**  
Charlie winks at him in Trig, and then in Chemistry — the two classes where it’s practically guaranteed that they won’t be noticed.

 **#33: Never**  
He stays a bachelor, rarely sleeps with other young men more than once, even shirks off the banking business on his younger brother; if there’s one thing he can’t fathom doing, it’s sullying Neil’s memory by slipping into what they, in all their follies and fumblings and adolescent fuck ups, fought against.

 **#34: Sing**  
In class, Neil watches Todd’s impromptu poem, enraptured, and Charlie watches Neil watching Todd, looking for any indication that he wants something more from the amateur bard; the signals are too mixed to tell, but, in some way, it looks like the spectacle increases Neil’s desire to sing like no one’s listening; and no one is when Charlie’s motions make Neil’s breath hitch in the most musical of fashions.

 **#35: Sudden**  
Hearing the news is like a bullet to the head, and only later, when he’s had time to think it over, does Charlie have an, “aching, desperate laugh because the only other option’s crying” at how this — this comparison, out of all the others that he could’ve found — was the first simile to jump up and grab his mind.

 **#36: Stop**  
As a rule, summer break is hell, the longest pause for breath and the least tolerable, and, in the last few days of school, they barely have time to make Knox, Meeks, Cameron, and Pitts leave and close the door — there’s so much to say, so much to do — luckily, what’s needs to be said most often comes out in gasps, pants, cries to God, and wordless moans.

 **#37: Time**  
Without Neil, everything takes longer than it should, but his memorial service is the shortest thing Charlie has ever had to sit through and no one did Neil enough justice to make any of that hour worth it.

 **#38: Wash**  
Technically, he supposes, all his little eccentricities are sins, from biggies like lust down to little things like cigarettes, but Neil’s always willing to give him a clean slate that he hasn’t deserved in his entire life.

 **#39: Torn**  
Todd likes Neil… it’s pretty easy to see, even Pitts has picked up on it for God’s sake, and the thought that Neil might reciprocate the feeling is too much for Charlie to entertain without clenching his fists or shredding up sheets of notebook paper.

 **#40: History**  
Neil’s filled with nervous energy in history class — he takes his notes and looks normal enough, but he taps his inert thumb and foot in perfect synchronization — and Charlie can’t blame him: it’s right before Keating’s class, which is where all their trysts feel less like infractions and more like perfect poetry.

 **#41: Power**  
Charlie is surprised to find even a hint of resentment towards The Captain, but… it makes a reluctant form of sense — he inspired Neil to try out acting, like he’d always wanted; he made Neil smile more often and more broadly; he got Neil to really live and be alive… — all that was supposed to be Charlie’s job, since he loves Neil, romantically and Romantically, but… The Captain did _It_ ; he worked some spell on Neil, and it’s for the better that someone managed it for Neil, but still, it leaves Charlie with that reek of self-aimed rage and the fallout feeling of failure.

 **#42: Bother**  
Everything Charlie does during study hall is a distraction, down to the fake-distracted way he taps his pencil and makes faces at Knox… but snaking his hand down Neil’s pants when no one’s looking — that’s just a downright cheat.

 **#43: God**  
A fair god wouldn’t make Neil suffer this way — silent, expectant, tortured by how something _should_ be happening — but they did wind up together, so maybe it all works out, in a larger, cosmic sense.

 **#44: Wall**  
It’s when Neil doesn’t talk that he says everything best; it’s when he retreats into himself that Charlie knows that, maybe, his touch can’t help with everything; but knowledge of a situation doesn’t mean that he has to like it.

 **#45: Naked**  
“Sssh, Neil, ssssh”; Charlie leans the darker-haired boy back against the alcove wall, slides one leg between his, and presses their chests together; “And before this goes any further, I just want you to know that my intentions with you are completely, _entirely_ honorable”; the look in Neil’s eyes is barefaced disbelief, but, to make his point, Charlie only kisses his cheek before they separate.

 **#46: Drive**  
The determination with which Neil takes on the play at Henley Hall is the most that Charlie’s ever seen, even from him — and it goes absolutely everywhere: against all apparent reason, his grades improve and he’s more fervent about the Dead Poets; also, he’s more forward, sometimes more forceful, and Charlie doesn’t mind a bit.

 **#47: Harm**  
Years later, Charlie gets to miss the draft — flat feet and business school are useful, or so his father says — but there’s still that part of him that wishes he wouldn’t; he’s gotten past everything, mostly, he still lives for the day and finds that this is becoming increasingly more accepted… but anything that would bring him that feeling of Neil’s arms again… even if it meant death, he can’t help but think that it’d be worth it.

 **#48: Precious**  
Neil’s eyes are precious gems — that’s what Charlie tells him, anyway; with a pointedly arched eyebrow, Neil always says they can’t be, since they’re dark brown and earthy, and no self-respecting gemologist would prize anything dark brown; Charlie always points to the Bard’s Dark Lady as a precedent, which is countered with the evidence that Neil isn’t female and Shakespeare was a poet; despite this, Charlie continues to disagree, and at worst, resorts to tired arguments like, “Well, then, fuck gemologists; they’re idiots if they can’t see what’s fucking obvious” — but Neil’s right in guessing that his eyes aren’t his greatest feature: it’s his smile that Charlie cherishes above all things.

 **#49: Hunger**  
Sometimes with Neil, it’s best to leave him hanging: the wolfish look in his eyes is too beautiful to pass up, his breathy pleas send a tingle down Charlie’s spine that’s not easily concealed (somehow, he manages), and, finally, when they’re alone and Neil pounces like a caged tiger on fresh meat, the merits of abstinence are too flagrant to deny.

 **#50: Believe**  
Neil doesn’t always believe in himself, and he doesn’t have to; Charlie knows that Neil’s perfect.


End file.
